I want to kill it.
I want to press the toe of my red Buscemi sneaker straight down onto its pathetic, little body and knead it into the concrete. I don’t even care that these shoes cost nine hundred dollars. Well, maybe I care a little. But I just want to hear its skeleton crunch, to feel the power of the destruction of life. Exoskeleton, the voice at the back of my thoughts corrects me, bugs have exoskeletons. Shut up, I think back, angry at the intrusive thoughts.
I wish I could turn my brain off. That some ethereal being, wearing a massive sneaker, would descend from the sky, crush me, and smear my guts into a tiny skid mark on this toilet paper of a world. I want to be nothing, nothing but the gum on God’s shoe. I bet you God wears Buscemi shoes, and red ones too. Come on and let my brains paint the sidewalk with grey-matter chunks.
Cranium, cerebrum, cerebellum, pituitary. Stop it. Thalamus, hypothalamus, spinal cord… Fucking hell! I said shut up!
Silence is all I’ve ever wanted since I was ripped out of my mother. She died last year. Lucky sow.
I look down at the bug at my feet. It’s a matte black bead, skittering and zig- zagging on the hot driveway, accomplishing nothing.
My red shoe lustres dully as I raise my foot and bring it down.
The bug continues to crawl, moving along the length of the structured shoe which has landed right next to it, so unaware of just how close it came to death in its aimless sprawl in the burning sun.
I sigh and walk by, leaving the beetle behind as I get into the Mercedes. I rev the engine to life and press my sole to the accelerator. The insignificant black speck still lives upon the white concrete but I let my car roll past, leaving it untouched. I’m not feeling generous enough to kill it.
Whipping the car around, the engine purrs happily, and we zig zag down the winding road, man and machine. I don’t even know where I’m going. For an instant I consider ripping around a corner so fast that the car will roll, and just maybe I’ll die. Finally get my silence. But that sounds messy.
I did just get these shoes.